Ask Renée: Getting ‘back in the saddle’ after a long drought

Dear TIMID,
A hibernating bear doesn’t emerge each spring only to relearn the ways of the salmon hunt. If we had to master the art of seduction each time we crawled back from a sexual dry spell, most of us would gladly welcome a pious life of sexlessness. But luckily, this isn’t your situation. All you’re doing, TIMID, is psyching yourself out.

11 out of 10 sex therapists agree: overthinking is the #1 cause of fizzle-flop for all thwarted sexual encounters. Overthinking is disappointment in training and wallowing in the what-ifs of being intimate again sets you back before you’ve even launched. Listen, you have a lot going for you – your desire! your newfound ability! – but while waiting for the four-alarm fire, you’re missing the flame.

Listen, you have a lot going for you – your desire! your newfound ability! – but while waiting for the four-alarm fire, you’re missing the flame.

So, what to cultivate? One thing separates the boys from the gods and that’s knowing that every moment holds the opportunity for foreplay. Only the most obvious lovers leave their wooing to the bedroom. You’re right to feel intimidated in initiating sex after a period of hiatus, so adjust your expectations. Begin with small gestures (flirting, touching and kissing) and gradually progress from there. Remember that arousal – raw, real and raging – is the antidote to whatever hesitancy you may be feeling. Relax on the expectation of sex and indulge in the gluttony of foreplay as a state of being. Trust in your treatment plan and let nature takes its course.