Ask Renée: Date night fight

Dear OOPS,
First, go yell into a pillow.

Are you back? Okay. Breathe. Believe it or not, you’re not yet confined to a sexless night on the couch. In fact, you may have accidentally ignited a romantic spark. Say what?
Fighting is passionate. Fighting can be loud and expressive, emotional and intense, dizzying and enlivening. In its rawness, fighting holds many of the same qualities humans crave in great sex. Done with gusto and purpose, fighting can be a passionate display of intimacy.*

Fighting is natural. Normal bickering is to be expected so long as your relationship is healthy overall. Philosophically speaking, there are two styles of fighting: boxing and aikido. In boxing, two opponents use their physical strength to conquer the other. In aikido, victory comes by moving with an opponent’s force, effectively harnessing the strength of both opponents. Boxing conquers; aikido transforms. So, what does this have to do with the threat of a canceled date and a jilted lover? Winners don’t sleep on sofas.

In aikido, victory comes by moving with an opponent’s force, effectively harnessing the strength of both opponents.

As in aikido, a fight often only needs a simple shift in direction. Locate the truth under your anger and frustration. Bad day? High expectations? Performance anxiety? Identifying the cause frees the passion to be redirected elsewhere. And be encouraged: sex isn’t a perfect-conditions pastime for the pure and pious. Sex can be an argument with bodies. Closure is optional. It’s make-up sex, not made-up sex.
*To clarify, we’re talking regular couple spats not domestic violence.